One thing she made me realize amid all the talk of trans issues, gossip, lez talk and, well, you know, girl stuff, is that I could never "blend in". Never be as one with the nameless, faceless crowd of "respectable" citizens. Oh, I am now confident that I can walk around our beautiful Stockholm and that most people see a tall, middle aged woman who is fairly attractive and that's all they see. But as soon as I speak the game is up. That doesn't mean they start treating me different. Except that the gleam in some men's eyes is suddenly gone (and good riddance). And I have, so far, not spoken when I get the occasional unmistakable lesbian look-over and smile. I just give a knowing smile back and continue on my way.
I will never be able to just blend in due to my height 187 cm, same as Serena Williams. And I refuse to dress "age appropriate" as you can see in the photos here. So an anonymous part of the crowd I can never be, nor do I want to. But what she made me realize is that I am, and always have been, a rebel and an outsider. If a figure of authority tells me to do something I'm likely to do the very opposite. So when my transition is more or less complete come spring there's no risk that I'm going stealth and disappear. Probably the other way around, with the SRS and related stuff out of the way I'll have more time and energy to spend on the issues that concerns us all - transpeople, lesbians and other queers.
This wasn't at all what I was going to blog about today. But that's what nicotine abstinence does to you. You become too absorbed in yourself. I was planning to tell you about the change in gender roles in Sweden from the 30's to the present. But that will have to wait till another day. Besides I should interview mum and dad more about days gone by before I post it.
I'll leave you with this picture of me outside the Whip Club Saturday night. Yes it's quite blurry, but so was I. ;-)
Love, kisses and muff munches until next time
Caisa
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