Mixed Thursday Ramblings

Just a few things that have tumbled around in my mind lately, no particular order.

Did I miss the love of my life at the Stockholm Pride party last Saturday? I had been out for a smoke (Yes I know I'm supposed to quit. But at a party?) and some interesting conversations and was going into the room where the dancing took place, not to dance but to get another glass of wine. Then out of nowhere she swept past me. I just got a brief glimpse of her face, enough to see that she was angry or upset. Tall, straight and beautiful she strode fast out of the place and out of my life. She was tall and slender with blond hair in a sort of bun. She was wearing slacks and a greenish/greyish top. I felt an impulse, almost compulsion, to rush after her. But being kinda shy in these situations I didn't. I know that I will remember her as long as I live.

I've had a few moments in my long life like that, seeing a woman for a brief moment and remember her forever. The earliest I can recall happened when I was 12 or 13. I was at a famous beach in the south of Sweden, Tylösand, with my parents. I didn't particularly want to go but at that age what choice did you have? We had had just settled down and I was sulkily watching mum and dad getting out our lunch stuff when a few dunes away I spotted this gorgeous vision. She was just raising from her blanket, Tall bronzed and blonde with a full curvy figure clad only in a small bikini. The first thing that came int my mind was, "a Greek goddess". She picked up her stuff and I admired every graceful movement as she walked away over the sand dunes. 

Do you have any such brief moments that you never forget?

 This is the ingenious pick nick set we had  

And now for something completely different.

  Who/what do I identify as?

It all depends on the circumstances. It could be SciFi-fan, unemployed, parent, lazy lady....

But the mainstay of my basic identity is that I am:
First and foremost I am a woman.
Second I am a lesbian.
Third I am transsexual

It's important for me that my identity is first as a woman and not as transsexual. This makes me a member of the group women, subgroup transwomen. Not something separate from the women group but a part of it. And the same applies to lesbian, I'm a part of the group lesbian, subgroup transsexual. If I was to have transsexual as my most important identity I fell I would in some way exclude myself from the groups women and lesbians. Like standing outside looking in. Does this make sense?




And now over to the medical section

I've had so many blood samples taken lately I feel like I'm in True Blood.

First I went to my GP, who is a wonderful human and doctor, hi Anne Charlotte. I've been very tired recently, well  a few months actually, getting out of breath just walking up the stairs, three floors. So she ordered some blood work done. I returned a week ago to get the verdict. Everything was just dandy with the blood tests. She listened to my heart and lungs and took the blood pressure. I even got to blow in a tube to test my lung capacity. Nothing wrong there. So it was as I suspected all along: I've been too lazy, It's time to get some exercise.  I'll start tomorrow, I promise!

And this past Monday I had a check up with my endo doc. Everything was perfect, all hormone levels were right where they should be for a woman. Unfortunately she didn't have any wonder meds that would make my boobs grow even faster.

So next on the medical front is getting the authorities to OK my SRS, which hopefully will take place in March or April.



And to end on an all together different topic

 Four times in a row now I've had dreams of a woman who is much like Shane from L-word

Not just your garden variety wet dream, but of us meeting at a café, walking around in a lovely summer Stockholm and other ordinary stuff. And also hot steaming sex. How I wish this is a true vision of the future and not just an impossible dream. In my darkest moments (Yes I have them too) I despair of ever finding a woman to love. I mean who would want an over 60 single lesbian who was once a man (on the outside), unemployed and a computer nerd. Add BDSM into the mix and the prospects are rather bleak. Then I walk in our wonderful town and a woman gives me that special look and smile. And I'm happy for the rest of that day.



Hugs, kisses, love and lashes till next time
Caisa