Why so late?!

I'm sitting outside a café in Stockholm and feeling frustrated. All those lovely young girls walking by, and me an old cougar of 60. And I have to wait untill next spring before I can make love to a woman the way I want to - as woman to woman.

The main thing that I'm thankful for after all those years as a man is my daughters. So why the hell did I wait so long? I'm very good at repressing things that might be difficult and when the idea of a sex change surfaced I pictured grotesque trannys with beard stubble and knobby knees. My way of dealing with it was mainly to questioning the traditional gender roles. Something that came easy for someone of my generation and on the far left. Mind you, it wasn't always that easy. I remember an occasion in the fall of 67, when I got laughed at because I suggested that we should form groups to tackle the role of males and how we should attack and change them. Not even the proto feminists took me seriously.

I was, to put it mildly, a problem child from my teens and way up in adulthood. I realize now that much of it was my repressed need to change sex. I used to run away, to Stockholm, Copenhagen and the Netherlands among others. I wasn't running away from anything, no abuse or bullying or anything like that. I was running towards something. Some change. Unfortunately I had no clear picture of what that something was. It's a miracle that I didn't get hooked on drugs or booze.

I've had more, much more, than my allotted share of sex partners through the years. And I like to think that most of them were very satisfied. In a big part due to the fact that I wasn't that interested in just penetration, the old in and out. Without realizing it what I wanted was sex woman with woman. Hence my concentration on her lust with tongue, finger and hands. I'm proud to say that I discovered the G-spot before I've ever heard of it. ;-)

As usual I'm rambling. I've already forgotten what I intended with this blog instalment. So let me tell you of some observations regarding my hormone regime. I'm on an oestrogen gel, Divigel, which I take 2 mg in the morning and 1 mg in the evening. At the start of the therapy i also took an anti androgen, Cyproteron, 50 mg morning and evening. After the bloodwork showed very high liver values I quit them. But recently I've started Cyproteron again as I thougt I detected a decrease in my feminization, no more growth of breasts and a corsening of body hair. I'm pleased that my tits have started to feel painfull again and also a slight growth. But I'm going to have the blood work done again soon. I don't want to end up in hospital before the big operation, probably sometimes next spring.

But what I hadn't really expected was some mental changes. OK, that my tear ducts sometimes open for the slightest, and sometimes silly, reason I sort of expected. But not to that extent. When I watched the end scenes in Tipping the Velvet I sobbed loudly and could hardly see the screen. On a more serious note, when I watched the video of Neda being murdered and dying in front of the camera I cried for almost an hour, and then on and off during several days.

My taste in food have altered drastically. Before the hormones I was like the Cockie Monster, I could eat a package of cockies in no time. A Schwartswald cake went down in 20 minutes. Now I hardly miss them at all, I prefer more "healthy" food (thanks Öyvind and Mojj for the wild boar wok Saturday evening).

I also get more of an emotional reaction to babies, cats and cute dogs. Probably something to do with oxytocsins.

My Birkenstock sandals have given up on me, can't walk in them without my feet hurting. Can I be a lesbian without Birkenstocks? :-) Is it OK with Ecco?

Well enough ramblings from me for now. But Godess how I long for a woman/woman relationship.