I'm a happy and angry lesbain trans woman

I should add horny to the above. I contain all kinds of emotions simultaneously.

It's been waaayyy to long since I posted in this blog
I don't really have any excuse. But nevertheless I'm going to blame Zyban, the medicine I took to help me quit smoking.  It did help me with that, as I write this I haven't smoked any tobacco for more than two and a half month. I quit Zyban about a month ago, one of it's side effects was a sort of dulling of emotions and general lethargy. I also suspect it had a negative influence on my hormone regime. But never mind all that. I'm nicotine free and ready to rock and roll again.

So, you wonder, what's happened since I last posted? I'm finally starting to be more active in RL. In clubs like Wish and Whip, and in a group that meets every other week to talk about poly, I'm now also on the board of KIM, a national Swedish organisation for all kindsof trans people.

Nothing new on the relationship front. Even if I've met some girls/women that might have led to something. Damn! As a Domme I have to learn to take the initiative to go to the next level. A shy Mistress - that's kind of extra kinky, right?

Last Tuesday I finally got the green light to go on. "Rättsliga rådet"  approved my application for gender correction. Happily I phoned the plastic surgeon's secretary to get an estimation of when I'd be scheduled for the GRS. Based on previous info my guess was April/May. No, more like October/November was the answer I got! I spent a few days fuming with anger. And today I'm starting to explore ways of getting it done much sooner.

In Sweden we have something called warranty of care. Basically it says that you have the right to have a procedure performed within 3 months. If your care giver can't full fill that you have the right to have someone else do it at no cost to you. If there is no way to get it done within reasonable time in Sweden you have the right to have it done in another EU country. As I'm writing this I'm waiting for a phone call to help me start that process.

I had such high hopes for late July and early August. Some great lesbian sex and BDSM during Stockholm Pride. Culminating in a public naming ceremony for my brand new cunt in front of media from all over the world. BTW, I think she's going to ba called "Lilla My"

I promise to start posting more regularly. And you can also find me on Fetlife.com as MistressCaisa and on twitter as Caisa. My net access have been a bit limited lately so I've been more or less invisible on twitter, but I hope that will change soon.

Love and Lashes until next time
Caisa

Why is life such a roller coaster?

This posting will not be a profound analysis of some problem or other. Nor will it be a flight of fancy or an attempt to be witty.And if you're looking for something a bit more juicy you'll have better luck at The Musings of a Cougar. No this here post will be me whining and complaining about life, the universe and everything.There might also be some jubilation and hope.

The Zyban I'm taking to help me stop smoking have also made my moods very level, boring and slightly depressive. I am now on my 15th day without smoking. And my body seems to handle the Zyban better with the result that I'm back more or less in oestrogen mode, with the usual mood swings.I welcome them, the good times are really good but the lows are really low too. Last night I wrote a blog post: My very first experience of BDSM. It meant a lot of delving in childhood memories and it awoke all kinds of feelings in me. Most of them positive but also quite strong. As the memories flooded over me there was some shedding of tears. Tears of nostalgia and tears of regrets for the things that never got said. also tears of joy and happiness. And when I woke up this morning I felt a kind of serene contentment with life.So I'm not really as cranky as I was when I started this post. On the whole I'm a lucky and happy Golden Lady with a plethora of opportunities.

  Well, later in the day I felt really down in the dumps, everything seemed grey and hopeless. Why? I feared that I'd end my days as a bitter, lonely woman. After all who'd want to date a 60 + trans woman? Add to that lesbian and a BDSM top and the prospects are bleak indeed. What's the meaning of going to clubs if all I'll ever get to do is having a few drinks and some conversations before coming home to a lonely flat. And I don't even have a cat.

Yes, I know things aren't as bad as that it just feels like that in the darkest moments. Some days I look in the mirror and say, Goddess you're sexy and beautiful! Or I'm walking down a street and suddenly I get, and give, a few seconds long eye contact. a slight smile and the we just pass. And there is no doubt that we both know. The second long communication says: "Hi! I'm a lesbian and I know you are too.Bye!" So once again I have come to the conclusion that I'm really a lucky woman. Amazing how a bit of reflection can drive the blue funk away.I'm feeling much better now, thank you.

BTW, I'm single, free and ready to munch muff. Any takers on this offer?

Hugs, kisses. love and lashes until next time.
Your Mistress Caisa
   

Catspaw: The Transphobe Who Can Ruin Your Day

Catspaw: The Transphobe Who Can Ruin Your Day A must read re the bitch Julie Bindel's latest trans hate mongering

sex etc....: Wishlist

sex etc....: Wishlist Nice idea for X-mas

Restless and Nervous

That's what I am now. I'm trying to quit smoking with the aid of Zyban. The last two days I've been cutting down a lot and when I finish the one I have left I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN! But I expect there will be a week or two of hell.

Since my last post about Club Wish I've been on a great night at Whip Club. It was a fabulous atmosphere, a lot of people and some heavy action of almost any type you'd want. Spanking, whipping, fucking...... This time yours truly got in on some whipping and a bit of petting. Nothing more than that. One reason for the lack of action for this poor cougar is that most of the folks at Whip are hetero, another is that I'm reluctant to have a BDSM scene in public with someone I haven't played with before. A third reason is that, believe it or not, that I'm quite shy and insecure when it comes to initiate a more intimate contact, be it kissing or BDSM play. Not the best trait for a top, is it? If I didn't have to leave so early, 5 am, I'm quite certain that something could have happened. I'll not say anything more but I think those involved know what I mean. Love and lashes to you. ;-)

As I relaxed in a soft arm chair with a glass of wine and with no one else at the table I had a sort of vision (or wishful thinking) for a few seconds and felt convinced that sometime next summer I'd be at Whip Club with Kate and that we'll be having a great time. Ehh, no not you, even if I'd really like that, but Kate from across the pond.

I just had my last cigarette EVER! Let's hope I'll survive the next days. I'll keep you posted.

Hugs, kisses, love and lashes until next time
Your Mistress Caisa

Spanksgiving At Club Wish

This Thursday was my first visit to Club Wish. It's a women only BDSM/fetish club in Stockholm.Women of all sizes, shapes, genders and ages are welcome. The theme for the evening was red. Red as in fisting. Which gave me a reason to buy a new top at Eve Collection. A very tight thing with one shoulder bare and chains hanging down the front. A black leather mini skirt, black pantyhose with pink skull and cross bones and black tight boots was the rest of my outfit.

Club Wish is a relatively small club with no place of its own. But SLM, Swedish Leather Men, kindly lets the club use their nice cellar. To get in you press a bell, the door opens and then there is a gate to pass through. All this is to make sure there are no homophobic attacks. The place is perfect for a BDSM club. Lots of bare brick walls, Bars in front of the bar and evocative paraphernalia all over the place.I had volunteered to help and as a newbie I was posted in the cloakroom. There was supposed to be a dress code but this wasn't very strictly applied. The dresses was all the way from almost pedestrian to stark naked with a collar. And it was a good mixture of cis women, F2Ms and M2Fs and more. Styles varied from butch to femme and ages from around twenty to almost eighty.

As the theme of the evening was fisting there was a lecture and talk on the subject. I left the cloakroom for a bit to listen. But my sense of duty made me return. And i think I already know quite a lot on the subject. In fact I was fairly good at it before I knew it had a name. ;-)  Back at the entrance/cloakroom I had a very interesting talk with some F2M folks, mostly what the different needs are for trans women and trans men but also how we could work together and support each other.

I was relieved of my duties around nine, nine thirty and went to the bar to buy a glass of wine. I mingled around a bit but soon found myself at the cloakroom where some interesting folks were to be found. All in all I found Club Wish to have a very welcoming, warm and free atmosphere. I had planned on going home around ten, eleven at the latest. As it were I didn't get home until about two in the morning. I hadn't eaten much during the day and that in combination with Zyban that I take to help me stop smoking made me feel quite tipsy although I only had three glasses of wine.



So what about the spanking? Well I have to confess that it was a cunning way to lure you here. (Thank you LizzY the LezzY for the word spanksgiving.) I didn't see much play nor did I get involved in any myself. I feel like I have to really know someone before I'll engage in any BDSM activity. To me its a tremendously intimate and personal thing. And even if I.yearn with every fibre of my being to have sex with a woman I want to wait until after the GSR for real lesbian sex. I can of course play the giving role with tongue, lips, fingers and hands. I just realised that what it comes down to is that I'm afraid I'll never find some one. What are the odds for a 60 year old lesbian trans woman who also is a BDSM top?

Well, tonight it's time for Whip Club and I think I'll wear the same sexy top as I did a Club Wish. The drawback from my horizon is that most folks at Whip Club are straight.

Kisses, hugs, love and lashes until next time
Caisa

A Rainbow Mass To Celebrate Same Sex Marriage

Last night I violated a 30 years old principle of mine: Never to enter a church when there was a service in progress. Why is a long story that I might tell in my blog My Life So Far.

The reason I did it was that I got invited by  a friend who is one of the organizers behind "Regnbågsmässan", The Rainbow Mass, a monthly event at "Sofia kyrkan", The Sofia Church, in the part of Stockholm called "Söder". It's beautifully situated high up on "Vita Bergen"  I was born just a few blocks from it so if I had been baptised this is the church where it would have happened. I hope to blog more about the concept of "Regnbågsmässan" and the people behind it later.


The theme of last night's mass was to celebrate that the Swedish church have decided to perform same sex marriage ceremonies. It started at 4 pm with opportunities to talk with church officials about weddings, I missed that part as I was buzzy trying to install the latest SuSE to a USB stick. But I was in time for the mass that begun at 6 pm. I was given a book of hymns and took a seat towards the back, near the aisle. At first glance it wasn't any different from the churches I was forced to attend when in school. Then I noticed the garland in rainbow colours hanging from the pulpit. The church slowly filled with people. Well, filled is maybe not the right word. It was about half full when the mass started, which apparently is more than at an ordinary mass. I looked around to get an idea of what kind of folks came to this mass, I tried to not be too obvious less they think I was checking them out for other reasons than reporting in this blog post. :-)

I saw some faces that I recognised, among them the guy I usually buy my tobacco from. The audience was about evenly distributed as to gender, male and female with a sprinkling of trans folks. The age was slightly higher than you usually find at a LGBTQ event.  It might not be surprising to you that I checked out the women more than the men. :-)  Many of the ladies was of the short haired butch style lesbian stereotype, other more "ordinary" and some decidedly femme.

 The mass started with a song performed by Rainbow Gospel Followed by a talk by someone who's name I missed. I don't think he was a priest as he was dressed in an ordinary suite. It was a bit hard to hear what he was saying due to the echo in the church. I didn't catch all  but the gist of it seemed to be that we should be grateful for the decision by the church to perform same sex marriage but also be careful not to alienate those that had opposed it. A middle of the road path I have no sympathy with. Next another song by the choir after which the priest, Malin, entered the stage. Malin is a beautiful brunette. I'd say sexy but can you do that about a priest? She was wearing a sparkly cassock (?) in a rainbow pattern.  The way Malin spoke about love and marriage was more in line with my own thoughts on the subject. After that it was time for us all to sing a hymn. I'm not a Christian and also I didn't know the tune so I was mostly quiet. After that Malin talked about the parable of the ten maidens and the oil lamps. I'm not very familiar with Christian mythology but the conclusion was that she believed that Jesus would welcome everyone to the party, whether they had oil in the lamps or not, whether they were straight or gay. All in all I felt that what she said was something I could agree with.

Next up was Helene Hammarlund , who sang a beautiful Swedish folk song from the balcony. If my back wasn't hurting so by this time it might have caused some tears to trickle down my face. Then came the part that was strangest to me, the communion. I've never been to one of these before and it wasn't so bad as I feared. Malin said some things over the bread and the wine and then there was general hugging and whishings of God  bless and the like. A beautiful black haired woman touched my shoulder and  said May God's love be with you. After this those who were so inclined cued up to get a biscuit dipped in wine. One last hymn and it was over.

I went out for a much needed cig and then joined the cue for wedding cake and coffee. I didn't stay long after that but had some interesting conversations with some likewise interesting people. All in all it was a good experience this my first voluntary visit to a Christian  function. And there is a good chance I'll go to the next mass Dec 12.

 Hugs, kisses, love and lashes until next time

Caisa